at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
