HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
