Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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