Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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