I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
