I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
