He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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