hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
