How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
