this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
