his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
