When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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