Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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