dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
