HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
