what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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