you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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