3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
