My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
