Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
