Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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