I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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