I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
