she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
40s are totally the cure
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
