WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
