The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
