she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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