Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
