so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
