If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
