just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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