we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
