Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
