girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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