my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish I only lived at night.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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