The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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