Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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