Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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