I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
