Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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