My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
