it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
