I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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