he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
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I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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