my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
