Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
barbara walters just said penis...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
