Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
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