So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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