I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
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okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
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I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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