Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
