a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
