I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I have feelings that need drinking.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
