remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just got carded by a ten year old.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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